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English jokes



I am surprised : English jokes
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.



kangaroo and house : English jokes
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.


Would you mind if I crossed your field : English jokes
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


Beat and Fart : English jokes
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I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.

After just a few songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...

That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.


Russian eye test : English jokes
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A Russian, visiting India, went for an Eye check-up.
   The Doctor shows him the letters on the board :

      *CZWXNQSTAZKY*

     Doctor : Can you read this ?
Russian : Read ??  I even know the guy..., he's my cousin  !!😂😂😂


Difference between smart and brilliant people : English jokes
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There is a story about how Albert Einstein was traveling to universities, giving lectures on his famous theory of relativity. One day while on their way to a university,

 

The driver said:" Dr. Einstein, I've heard that lecture more than 30 times. I have learned it by heart and bet I could give it myself."

 

"Well, I'll give you the chance," said Einstein,

 

"They don't know me at the next school, so when we get there I'll put on your cap and you introduce yourself as me and give the lecture." Einstein continued.

 

At the hall, the driver gave Einstein's lecture so wonderfully that he didn't make any mistakes.

 

When he finished, he started to leave, but one of the professors stopped him and asked him a question which was very difficult. The aim of the question was not gaining knowledge but embarrassing Einstein.

 

The driver thought fast.

 

"The answer to that problem is so simple," he said,

"I'm surprised you have to ask me. In fact, to show you just how simple it is, I'm going to ask my driver to come up here and answer your question."!

 

Then Einstein stood up and gave an incredible answer to the question of that professor.

 

Moral of the story: No matter how genius you pretend to be, there is always someone who is more genius than you despite his position.

 

 

Don"t Forget To Hit Like And Share With Everyone. :)


Why Pakistani not in star wars : English jokes
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Mr. Nawaz Sharif just finished giving a speech at the UN, and walks out into the lobby where he met President Obama. They shook hands and walked together in the long corridor when suddenly the Pakistani said,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Pakistani whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and Indians but never any Pakistanis. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand nor do I about why there aren't any Pakistanis in the Star Trek show."

President Obama laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his ear, "Because... the show is all about the future." 😳😱😜😃😂


Degrees in Pakistan : English jokes
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Careers in Pakistan

If we were in Pakistan, our options for professional courses after Std. XII would be as follows :

JEE - Jehadi  Entrance Examination

IIT - Islamic Institute of Terrorism

IIM - Institute of Infiltration Management

CAT - Career in Alqaida & Taliban

IAS - Islamist  Administrative  Services

M Tech - Masters in Terror Technology 🔫

GATE - General Aptitude in Terror and Extremism

TOEFL - Test of Extremist Foreign Languages

GRE - Graduate in  Radical  Extermination

MBBS - Master of Bomb Blasting Strategies.💣💥

MBA - Masters  in  Bio-nuclear  Administration..!!

😜😀😝


Where is your ferrari : English jokes
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This is fantastic :

This is a conversation between a man and his wife.  Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after only one question. 
  
  
Critical Thinking 
At Its Best! 
  
Woman: 
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes 
  
Woman: 
How many beers a day? 
  
Man: 
Usually about 3 
  
Woman: 
How much do you pay per beer? 
  
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!) 
  
Woman: 
And how long have you been drinking? 
  
Man: 
About 20 years, I suppose 
  
Woman: 
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00.  In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct? 
  
Man: 
Correct 
  
Woman: 
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct? 
  
Man: 
Correct 
  
Woman: 
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a  Ferrari? 
  
Man: 
Do you drink beer? 
  
Woman: 

No. 
  
Man: 
Where's your Ferrari?


Donald Trump as president : English jokes
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*Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.*

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.

Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.

CIA: We can't do that.

Trump: Why is that?

CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.

Trump: I don't care.

CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.

Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.

CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.

Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.

Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.

Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.

Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.

Trump: Why not?

CIA: We are talking to them, sir.

Trump: What? Why?

CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.

Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.

CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.

Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?

CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.

Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.

FBI: We can't do that.

Trump: Why not?

FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.

Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.

Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.

Trump: Why not?

Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?

Trump: I am banning H1B visas.

USCIS: You cannot do that.

Trump: Why?

Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.

Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???

CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
😂😂


Me watching TV : English jokes
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Me watching TV alone.!!

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Ads: Cycle Agarbatti, Maggi, Noodles, Ultratech

Cement, etc etc

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Suddenly Parents enter.!!

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Ads: Manforce Condms, Whisper Choice, Set

Wet very very sxy etc

etc :/ 


Top and latest marathi jokes