Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? A. Men will spend hours searching for a golf ball.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, What are you doing? She answers, I m moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid Dollar100 for doing what I do for you for free! Later that night, while on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he s going, he replies, I m going to New York, too. I want to see you live on Dollar200 a year!
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well, he explained, by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I ll one-up that English bastard! He started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well, he explained, by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying, Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, I ll go even further than those bastards! He started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well, he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin, and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying, Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...
A recently deceased man stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. He decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what s going on, the friend replies, I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money. They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the two friends and their two ugly women are walking along minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, they approach the man and discover that it is indeed their friend. They ask him how come he s with this unbelievable goddess, while they re stuck with these god-awful women. He replies, I have no idea, but I m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time imaginable, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, Damn income taxes!