Doctor to female patient :-
U r looking so weak & exhausted... R u taking 3 meals a day as I had advised u ?
Female patient :-
"uski maa ki“..
Where is Your compounder who typed 3 Males a day.!...
A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”
Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.” Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.” The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing only underwear.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!” And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.” “Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the money for?” “Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
Q. Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A. Because they have to pull their own pants down.
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.
“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.
” The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”
Q. What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?
A. Pubic hair.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH! I’LL DO THE DISHES.”
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.
” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.”
He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.” She says, “This isn’t a real bank; it’s a sperm bank.”
He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.” She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”
A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every dockworker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day.
The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51..
He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99............. ...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, “I don’t understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!”
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Tony?” “Well, Miss, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yelled, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turned back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, John?” “Well, Miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yel led, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment was more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.
” Embarrassed and frustrated, she had dropped the chalk when she’d turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up.
This time there was a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Nick leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you are going?” she asked. “Well, Miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.
He asks, “Do you want more sex?” “No,” she replies,
“I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there are no prices listed on them.
He asks a salesman who says, “Five dollars for both of them.” “You’ve got to be joking!” the man says. “No, that’s the price,” the salesman says.
“Do you want to buy them or not?” “Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, and speakers. “How much?” he asks. “Five dollars for the system, including installation,” the salesman says.
“Is it stolen?” the man asks incredulously. “No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new. Do you want it or not?” “Certainly,” the man says.
He looks around some more. As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?” The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
Q. What do a blonde and a moped have in common?
A. They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole! The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No. What?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... WHOLE!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy.
“He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up its ass, pulls it out, and then eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did?” he asks. “No. What?” asks the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures things first!!”
Q. How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed. The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals.
Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, “Mommy, what is that long thing?” “His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.” “No, at the other end.” “That, son, is the tail.” “No, mommy, the thing under the elephant.” There’s a short embarrassed silence, after which she replies, “That’s nothing.”
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?” “That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father. “No, at the other end.” “Oh, that is the tail.” “No, no, daddy, the thing below,” says the son in desperation. “That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask, son?” “Well mommy said it was nothing,” says the boy. The father replies, “I tell you, I spoil that woman..., See that is also nothing for her”
Q. What did the blonde’s mom say before the blonde’s date?
A. If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.
Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful woman.
An old friend sees him and says, “Georgie, you look great...you’re beautiful!”
Georgie says, “Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt.” His friend says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”
Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.” His friend says, “When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?
” Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.” His friend says, “Then what did hurt?”
Georgie says, “When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain.”
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open-minded.
A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new “action.” She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!”
Two shepherds are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck.
The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other, “Hey, man, this is too good an opportunity to pass up.”
So he unzips his fly, yanks out his cock and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he’s finally finished he looks back at his friend and says,
“That was fantastic. Wanna try it?” “I sure do!” grins his friend, as he drops his pants and sticks his head through the fence.
A couple gets married. Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in.
She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs ... and he starts to cry.
She says, “What’s the matter?”
He says, “Forty years ago, I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can’t wait to eat ME!”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are
there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still
nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are
there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his
penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter.
“Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying
condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again
he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up
with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the
store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, “Your house.”
I’m going to drown the bastard
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden, a bumble
bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her pussy.
The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my pussy!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the
problem if the young man would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee
out. The doctor said, “OK, what I’m going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert
it into your wife. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should
hopefully follow it out.”
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on
with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into young lady. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a
bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh, Doctor,
Doctor!” she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on
the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute. What
the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan, I’m going to drown the bastard!!”
They sure do make a mess when they thaw out
A Catholic school girl is engaged to be married. A few days before the wedding she goes on a
carriage ride with her mother. “Mom, my hands are cold.”
“Stick them between your legs and they’ll warm up,” says her mother.
The following day she goes on a carriage ride with her fiancé, “My hands are cold,” he says.
“Stick them between my legs and they’ll warm up,” she says.
The day after that they again go on a carriage ride. “My nose is cold,” says the fiancé.
“Stick it between my legs and it’ll warm up,” says the girl.
The third day they are out on another carriage ride. “My penis is cold,” says the boy.
“Stick it between my legs and it will warm up.”
The girl returns home after the carriage ride and says, “Mom, do you know what a penis is?”
“Yes,” answers the mother.
Then the girl tells her, “They sure do make a mess when they thaw out.”
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How did it go
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with
his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try
out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find
his wife in bed, already naked. He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t
think twice and leapt on board.
After a few minutes of “slap and tickle” they found themselves in the “69” position. Sure enough,
only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed
the starter pistol off the bedside table and fired it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face and bit three
inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m
so pissed off!”
“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and
jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front
door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on. “When her husband
came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if
the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”
“Yuk!” The bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his
condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” said the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It
turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my
head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”
Why do so many gays have moustaches
Q. Why do so many gays have moustaches?
A. To hide the stretch marks.
I think she choked
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath when one of them
noticed that there was a response on the monitor whenever her crotch was touched.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, but
maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses ran
into the room.
The husband, who was standing beside his wife’s bed pulling up his pants, said, “Erm... I think she
choked.”
New meanings...
SEAGULL MANAGER—A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.
SALMON DAY—The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE—The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to
get it to work again.
AIRPLANE BLONDE—One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a black box.
AUSSIE KISS—Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT—The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3
a.m.
BEER COMPASS—The invisible device that ensures you arrive home safely after a booze cruise,
even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you’ve come
from.
GREYHOUND—A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A
bunch of pornographic magazines.”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away laundry and I found
a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh, my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?”
“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts,
he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires,
“Are you looking at my pussy?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to
you.”
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else
the wonder pussy can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
As the man moves over, the woman asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”
“Good God!” says the man. “Can it whistle too?”
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your
chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the
matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asks his father the same
question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home
from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy!
Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s
crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and
dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes...”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a person from the IRS.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner
anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs
of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women
will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
Three men with terrible addictions go and visit the doctor.
The alcoholic is the first to enter. “Well,” says the doctor, “you have damaged your liver beyond
repair—if you have one more drink, you will drop dead.”
Shocked, the man leaves, vowing never to drink again.
The doctor’s next patient is a heavy smoker. “Right,” says the doctor, “your lungs are coated so
heavily with tar that I’m afraid to say if you smoke one more cigarette, you will drop dead.”
The man leaves, clearly shaken and promising himself to never puff on a cigarette again.
The doctor’s final patient is a raging homosexual. “Well, I must say,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid
that if you give in to your addiction just one more time, you will also drop dead.”
The homosexual leaves, resigned to the fact that he will never have sex again.
The three men are walking down the street when they pass a bar. The alcoholic can’t help himself
and runs inside for his final sip of beer—and drops dead.
The two remaining men are shocked but continue their walk down the road where they come across
a whole burning cigarette lying in a doorway. The smoker stops to admire it—shaking.
As he’s about to bend down and pick it up the homosexual turns to him and says,
“You do realize, if you pick that up we’re both dead!”
A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a French farmer, seeking to find out the main
cause of Mad Cow Disease.
The Lady: “Good evening, sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow
Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?”
The Lady (getting embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the
relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “Well, Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?”
The Lady: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four
times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”
A rich man and a poor man were talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich
man told the poor man, “I got my wife a diamond ring and a Porsche.”
The poor man asked why.
The rich man said, “If she does not like the ring she can take it back in her Porsche.” The rich man
then asks the poor man what he bought for his wife.
The poor man said, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asked “Why?”
The poor man said, “If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”
A man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night?”
The witness said, “He was fucking!!!”
The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.”
So the lawyer asked the man again, “What was my client doing on that night?”
“He was fucking!!!!”
The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I am going to hold you for 30 days for
contempt of court.”
So the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on
that night?”
The man thought for a moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
One day, a young boy walks onto a city bus and sits directly behind the bus driver. He begins to
shout at the top of his lungs saying, “If my mommy were a girl elephant and my daddy were a boy
elephant, I’d be a baby elephant!” He goes on like this for half an hour when the bus driver finally
reacts to the young boy’s antics.
He slams on the brakes and turns around to the boy and yells, “If your mother were a prostitute and
your father were gay, what would you be then?”
To which the boy replies with a large grin on his face, “A bus driver.”
This is called the rodeo: Get into the doggy style position, grab onto her breasts, tell her they feel
just like her sister’s, and then try holding on for eight seconds..
What have working for the KGB and oral sex got in common
Q: What have working for the KGB and oral sex got in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit..
Joke of the year? -
Laloo teaching his children spelling of assassination.
One ass behind another ass,
behind that I,
and behind me the whole nation.
Aussie: Sunil Gavaskar wrote a book named SUNNY DAYS
and now
Sunny Leone has named her book SUNNY NIGHTS... Incidentally. both biographies will be about..
.....
Different 'Strokes'....😜
Boy in Church : I have sinned.
Father : What's it my son?
Boy : Father, I slept with Married Woman
Father : I get such confessions often, was it Suzy from Gary Apartment?
Boy : No Father?
Father : Mona from Palm Garden?
Boy : No
Father : Rachel from Vila
Building?
Boy runs out of the church & meets his friends.
Friends : Did you confess?
Boy : No, but i have got some SOLID LEADS !!!
Why Ayesha Takia and
Pamela Anderson could never
REALLY HUG Each Other ?!
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-
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Because they live in Different
Countries!
-
-
But I like the way you think!;)
A guy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"
The girl answered with a
loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy with a loud voice said, "1000 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT. THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone feel guilty ..!".X_X =))
Ratan Tata walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zip was down. His sexy secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss this morning when you left your house, Did you close your garage door?"This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was unzipped. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, he finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my JAGUAR parked in there?"The secretary smiled for a moment and said............"No boss, I didn't. All I saw was a NANO with 2 flat tyres
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school
Robot slaps Son
SON: OK, I went to watch a movie.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story
Robot slaps son again
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
Robot slaps Dad
MOM: HAHA! After all he is your son...
Robot slaps mom!
Oops.
Once a lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel. The next day when the lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk for such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with the customer.
He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so that's why all the charges are included in it.''
The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should I pay.?
Manager says - That's your fault, but you have to pay.
The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.
The manager says this is only $50, what about the balance $200.?
The lady replies: $200 is for you sleeping and using me in the night.
Manager - But I haven't slept with you.
Lady - That's your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, that's your fault, i am sorry for you and walked away from the hotel with every one looking at her amazed.!
In An iNTERViEW..
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GRL IS
SELECTED
&
BOY
REjECTED
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.
4
SAME REASON
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.
Dono k shirt k do button khule the.
एक बार एक ट्रेन में करीना बिना टिकट सफ़र कर रही थी। उसने साड़ी पहनी हुई थी तो टी. सी. ने उसे 300 रुपये जुर्माना किया।
प्रियंका ने जीन्स पहनी थी उसे 200 रुपये जुर्माना किया।
कैटरीना ने स्कर्ट पहनी थी, उसे 100 रुपये जुर्माना किया।
पर सनी लिओन को कोई जुर्माना नहीं किया।
क्यों?
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क्योंकि उसके पास टिकट थी
सोच बदलो तभी देश बदलेगा
Ek auto rickshaw me couple kiss
kar rhe the
.
Driver unhe dekh raha tha
Aage jaake accident hua
.
.
Toh..
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.
Driver sar pakad kar baitha aur
bola:-
saala ab samjhaa Titanic kyu dooba tha
A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breastfeesd her baby on a bus.
The baby refuses to suckle on the breast and the mother warns, ''If you don't suckle on it, I shall give it to the uncle next to me.''
The baby still doesn't budge.
After about 20 minutes, the woman repeats the 'threat'. The man clears his throat and says, ''Look ma'am, you had better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off six bus stops ago.''
Just a joke,guys
A woman was having sex with her lover in her apartment, 20 floors high, Suddenly she heard her husband arrival.
She told her lover, "stay like a statue and Don'tmove."
Husband entered and said: "Who is this?"
...Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are travelling.
Husband: Ok, let's have sex now! babe
Wife: "No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period., So I will go & make a cup of coffee 4 u."
After she left the husband said 'Damn it I'm sohorny, I will fuck this robot!' He tried fucking.
The lover started talking in a metallic robotic way: ''SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE! SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE'.
Husband: "Damn it! Robot is not working properly. I'm throwing it out of the window.!"
The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor so he said: ''SOFTWARE UPDATED' PLEASE TRY AGAIN!
एक लड़की का अपने पति से एग्रीमेंट था कि दिन में 10 बार सेक्स करेगा।
समय के साथ ये कम होता गया, और केवल एक बार पर पहुँच गया।
लड़की ने तलाक का मुक़दमा दायर कर दिया।
जज साहब ने लड़की को अपना पक्ष रखने को बोला।
लड़की ने दोनों हाथ की 10 उंगलियाँ उठाकर बोली: "पहले क़रार यूँ था।"
जज साहब बोले: "फिर" लड़की 1 ऊँगली उठाकर बोली: "अब क़रार यूँ है।"
न्यायाधीश ने आदमी से अपना पक्ष रखने को बोला।
पति 2 उँगलियों में थोड़ा गैप करके बोला: "हुज़ूर, पहले दरार (!) यूँ थी।"
जज साहब: "फिर क्या हुआ? "
पति दोनों हथेलियों से गोला बनाते हुए बोला: "हुज़ूर, अब दरार ( ! ) यूँ है।
ज़ज़ साहिब ने फैसला सुनाया - जब दरार ही कायम नहीं है तो करार कैसे कायम रह सकता है और केस रद्द किया जाता है। 😂😊😜😝😎
A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and
sees a very short man also peeing. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller
man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man’s penis.
“Sorry,” says the taller man. “I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever
seen, especially on a man so small!”
“Well,” says the little man, “that’s because I’m a Leprechaun! All Leprechauns have penises this
size!”
The taller man says, “Incredible! I’d give anything for mine to be that long.”
“Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you
into that stall over there and screw you, I’ll give you your wish!”
“Gee,” says the man, “I don’t know about that. Oh, to hell with it. OK!”
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, humping away. “Say,” says the Leprechaun, “how
old are you, son?”
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over
his shoulder, “Uh-uh, thirty-two...”
“Imagine that,” says the little man, “thirty-two and he still believes in Leprechauns!”
A kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.”
She says, “Tell me.”
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what
they are.
He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.”
She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy.”
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the
boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me their
exact meaning.”
Dad says, “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters; she can’t handle them. What are
the words?”
He tells him, “Pussy and bitch.”
Dad says, “OK,” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic
area of the centerfold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle is pussy.”
“OK, dad, so what’s a bitch?”
“Son,” he says, “everything outside that circle.”
Boy- i like u..😘
Girl- hahahaha😂
Boy- i am serious☺
Girl- i like u too but as a friend😉
Boy- but i really like u.. i love u..😘😍
Girl- i love u too but as a friend..😜
Boy-😡😡😡😡😡
Girl-😡😡😡😡😡 . . . . . . . . . .
Boy- I wanna fuck u..
Girl-😳😳😳😳😳
Boy- bol na wanna fuck u too but as a friend.. bol bol
Air होस्टेस की शर्ट की लेफ्ट साइड पे name-plate लगी थी "कोमल"
सरदार बड़ी देर तक देखता रहा फिर हिम्मत कर के पूछ ही लिया: "दूसरा वाला टाइट हे क्या ?" 😆😆😆😜😜😜😝😝😝
इंटरव्यू में...... लड़का रिजेक्ट हो गया और लड़की सेलेक्ट....
क्यों...???
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क्योंकि दोनों के शर्ट का पहला बटन खुला था... 😀😭😊☺😍
Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware
store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to
finish serving a customer.
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, “How much for the teapot?” Joe replied, “That’s silver and it
costs $100!”
“My goodness, that’s a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge
that Mick had sent her to buy and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
To which Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”
Women were asked what they would do if they had a penis for a day. These were the responses:
something new
everything
I would:
Write my name in the snow
Pee off a tall building
Check out my boyfriend’s reflexes
Pin my boyfriend down and slap him in the face with it
See how many donuts I could carry with it
I would want a big one and show it off to everyone
I would grab myself in public and not be embarrassed
I would not lift the toilet seat while peeing
I would love it and squeeze it and play with it all day
I would get it kicked to see if it really hurts
I would get it removed
I would see what a woman felt like on the other end
Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best
Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing around
I would measure it both ways
I would play with him and make him roll over into the wet spot
I would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say, “Where’s my raise?”
I would find my ex-boyfriend and go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try
Demonstrate to my boyfriend that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over
I would prod him all night long with it
Terrorists enter KINGFISHER flight & after seeing sexy air hostesses,
they force all air hostesses to get nude.
All girls lie down naked..
1 hostess asked: Is it really a Hijack or just a routine Board of Directors Meeting??? 😜
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
“Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”
When he arrives at the hotel there’s a letter waiting for him that reads as follows:
“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You being an accountant will appreciate that
18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they
could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can
make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a
lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to
marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches.
The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the
frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a
little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks,
“Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
A sixteen-year-old boy goes to the drugstore one day and asks for some condoms. The clerk says
he looks very young for that kind of thing and asks what on earth he would want with such things. The
boy replies that he has been seeing a girl for a few weeks and things are starting to heat up. That night
he is going to her parents’ house for dinner, and after dinner they are going up to her room where he is
going to screw her every style from missionary to doggy and back again. The clerk sells the boy the
condoms and off he goes.
That night he rings the doorbell at his girlfriend’s house. She answers, and brings him into the
dining room where her parents are sitting at the table. Immediately, the boy buries his face in his
hands and starts saying grace. A minute passes, then two, and finally, after five minutes, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your father was a clerk.”
Two sweethearts had been together for a few years during high school and were devoted to each
other. When they left school, they both wanted to go to the same university, but the girl was accepted
to a university on the East Coast and the guy to one on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to
each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she
would take weeks to reply to the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to respond to his
messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and
increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and
now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s cock and
sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I’ve found a new boyfriend—leave me alone.” Well,
needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but also totally pissed off. So, he decided to take revenge.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at
college, please send more money!” and sent the picture to her parents.
On the first day of university, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the
female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued,
“Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
“How much for a season ticket?”
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts
wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for
me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it
implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds
a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The
huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for
me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help
you?”
Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”
The amazed receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only
seen a small fraction of our facilities.”
Bob replies, “Listen, lady, I am 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a
day. No thanks.”
The lion gathers all animals to a meeting and tells them that no one is allowed to use condoms
anymore because the jungle needs to increase its population. One day, the fox sees that the donkey is
wearing a condom and is ready to have sex. The fox runs to the lion and tells him about the donkey
wearing a condom.
When the lion confronts the donkey, the donkey says, “That’s not a condom—it’s a snake giving me
a blow job!”
There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother
about it. So, the grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to
try to kiss you. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it. He is going to try to feel your breast
and you are going to like it, but don’t let him do it.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that but don’t let him do
it. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going
to like that but don’t let him do it—it will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her
grandmother about it.
So the next day, she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said,
“Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and
disgraced his family.”
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to
see me sooner. Unfortunately, you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes
it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am
going to treat you like a king.” She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles, the
works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She
leads him to the bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is
beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the
husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her. “Honey?” he whispers. She turns back to him and again
they proceed to make love. After fninshing, she rolls over, but he taps her for more attention. She is
getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally, the wife
rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning!!!”
Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor on the back porch when Susie’s mom popped in on
them. “You’re going to get a good licking when daddy gets home,” she said.
Susie replied, “Johnny’s been doing that all afternoon.”
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a
beautiful young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with
these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl
looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some
of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair
of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new
birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her pants were worn
out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the
house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so,
here we are!”
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops
and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says, “WHAT??”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband
realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day, the
husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very
expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, “We’ll take all three of them.” Then he goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then he goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of
diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited, she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She is
jumping up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says, “I am ready to go. Let’s go pay.”
The husband says, “No, no, no, honey, we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”
The wife’s face goes blank.
“No, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says, “You must not be in
tune with my financial needs as a man!!!”
One day a pregnant wife announced to her husband that she was going to start looking for names for
their unborn child. When the father got home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that
if the baby was a girl the name was going to be Ophelia. The husband didn’t like the name. But he
said, “That’s a good name—it reminds me of a girl I dated in college.”
The next day the mother had changed the name to Sarah.
Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like, so one day he
decided to sneak into one. Once inside, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they
started taking of their clothing. That’s when he bolted out the door and started running down the street
and into a man.
The man asked the boy, “What’s wrong, young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!”
The little boy replied, “My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d
turn to stone, and all of a sudden I felt something go hard!”
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for is life, the horse whinnied for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer
to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny
BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the
other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later,
the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life.
The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he
told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good
grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island. After wandering around for a few hours he was
captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he
was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live,
but only if he passed three tests in three huts.
The first had a keg of rum inside: He had to drink the keg dry.
The second had a tiger with a sore tooth: He had to remove it.
The third had a woman who had never been satisfied: He had to satisfy her.
With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.
“Get me to the next hut!” he yelled.
In the second hut all was quiet, and then roars and screams were heard. This was followed by
sudden quiet again.
As he stumbled out of the hut he roared, “OK, goddammit, now where’s that woman with the sore
tooth?”
A man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes
the man to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing
of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains,
“We’ve received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty STD
called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes.”
“Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously.
“Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
A bum finds a five-dollar bill in the street. He decides to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of
white wine. After knocking back the booze the bum falls into a drunken stupor and collapses in a
small alleyway.
About ten minutes later, a passing gay guy happens upon the sprawled body of the bum. Not having
greased the pole for a while, the queer whips down the bum’s pants and gives him one up the butt. As
the rear gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks five bucks into the
tramp’s hand.
Upon waking up the next day, the bum discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune, he
rushes back to the liquor store and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the
vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favorite alleyway. A little later the same butt pirate passes
the alleyway and sees the bum. Unable to contain himself, the butt plugger divests the tramp of his
shorts and gives him another ass stretching. Again he leaves five bucks out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the bum discovers another fiver in his hand and so hurries back to the liquor store.
He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant. The sales assistant, by now familiar
with the bum’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time, to which the bum responds, “I
like the white wine but it just makes my ass so fucking sore.”
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes in and says, “I have to tell you
something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your
baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman says, “A hermaphrodite. What’s that?”
The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?”
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back; I don’t know how big this thing gets!
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible
shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your
husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong slot.”
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
type with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her
occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, when he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He
explained his situation.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...”
and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a very old wooden box carved with strange
symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay a very ordi nary-looking dildo. The busi
nessman laughed and said, “Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said,
“Voodoo Penis, the door.”
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, shot over to the door and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form. Before the
door split, the old man said, “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated
back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but finally surrendered to $500.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it all she had to do
was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a
few days, his wife was getting unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly
satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She stripped off, opened the box and said,
“Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”
The Voodoo Penis shot into her and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing
she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms she became very exhausted and
decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and
tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in
the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly
intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A traffic policeman saw this and immediately
pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she
explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in
my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and said, “Voodoo Penis? Voodoo Penis, my
ass...”
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed,
he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his
dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”
The dad answered, “Your mom.”
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He
called to his sister, “Hey, Sis, what are you doing?”
The sister answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”
She answered, “My boyfriend.”
A little later, dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed
the covers bouncing. He called to his son, “What are you doing?”
Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.”
Dad asked, “Really? Who’s your partner?”
Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand!”
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
*No Sex Tonight!* - Must Read.
Lesson to a Wife, in Funny Manner. Salute to that *Husband* who did this & shared with others to follow 😀
Here you Go👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻
*I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.*
*And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.*
*For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.*
*Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."*
*I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"*
*So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."*
*She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"*
*Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.*
*The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.*
*Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."*
*She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."*
*I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."*
*Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"*
*I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.*
*You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."*
*And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"*
*Apparently, no sex tonight either*
😄😄😄
Hilarious!!! 😂😂😂😂😂
*Dad At The Mall*
Awesome....😜😂
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 82). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. His clothes were equally colorful: bright blue pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt....and I think there was eye makeup involved, too. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
_*"GOT DRUNK ONCE AND HAD SEX WITH A PEACOCK. I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU WERE MY SON.”*🤔🤔
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